Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
