what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
