You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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