does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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