I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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