When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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