dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
