I take back everything I said about communal showers
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I believe in your delicious
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
