How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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