I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
