I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
