and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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