Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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