If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
