Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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