is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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