I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
