I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
