He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
