White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize