apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
