Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I wish there were birth control emojis
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
