I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
