In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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