I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Slut skills are useful in every country.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
