3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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