I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
