she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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