Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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