Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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