I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
