I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
