I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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