Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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