Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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