drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
