Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
being pregnant is like rehab
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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