Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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