So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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