Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
