This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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