o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
