The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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