she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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