No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
His hands were made for my vagina.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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