my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
