I wish life had little blips of pornography
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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