Duck Duck Cougar?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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