why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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