I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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