I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
