I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
