Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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