Even the bartender felt bad for me
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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