weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
