Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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