I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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