tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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