So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
