I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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