Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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