I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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