It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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