I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
